The TRXter Blog

my earliest memories of usant date back to the time when i was just 5 years old. that was 18 years ago. it doesnt seem that long. seems like it just passed me by. fast forward to 2008. i dont like the way USANT is being run nowadays. that was the impression i had when i left iriga. i gave my share of pride and fame to USANT, as have many others before me and many more that will come after me. i worked my ass off to win contests and become an excellent student, athlete and citizen. i won history, science, and quiz bee contests in the name of USANT. i won in the palarong bicol and PRISAA representing USANT. i believe i do not have shortcomings when it comes to contribution. and what has USANT given me in return? education? i was the one educating myself. i like my teachers and respect their profession but USANT has a dysfunctional system that couldnt accomodate me. my father has been with USANT for 25 years. he was a loyal employee. until the employer abused his power over the employee. i dont think Mr. USANT President’s actions had any logic to it. and given the oppurtunity, i would love to have a conversation with mr.ortega.

i find it hard to describe how lonely i am today. or how lonely i was yesterday. and how lonely i was the day before. im lonely, yet i go to work. and work sometimes makes the loneliness go away. when im busy, i dont have time to think lonely thoughts. but the lonely thoughts would often insert itself into my head…and i try to make it go away. this experience has somehow given me a sense of freedom, something that i temporarily lost. i feel like i can do anything, and be happy while doing it. this is the time for me to be happy. yet…why am i lonely?

i saw a dead dog a few weeks ago. if u guys dont know where commonwealth avenue is, it’s in quezon city. my work place is along commonwealth avenue, and i am renting a room about a hundred meters from my work place. so, while walking to work on an early morning i discovered the dead body of an ugly dog. while i was in iriga i saw a cat ran over by a tricycle. and it gave me thoughts. dead animals give me surreal thoughts. when u see a pig being slaughtered, it makes u shiver. it makes you rethink how valuable life is. the dead dog made me rethink how valuable my life is…just like how the dead cat made me realize that my time is running out.

do i have a liking for dead animals? no. basically, they stink. but think about this: what is the difference between a dead man and a dead dog? whats the difference between a dead cat and a dead tree? to me it makes no difference. life is no longer there. in the end, all things on earth go down to the molecules and compounds that make us up. and all humans, regardless of what we are…are just the same.

i’m becoming assertive…in the wrong way. i feel like i am mismanaging things. i want to take care of people…i want to be responsible for their welfare…but i want to do it in the right way. i thought i was helping them. but what i was doing…was helping myself. it isn’t about me, it’s about them. i have to be strong.  i must fight against monsters…people who have become monster. to defeat a monster, i have to become a monster…to fight power with power (and knowledge with knowledge). i have a life to correct, and if i have this life in the right direction…the people whom i care about shall follow after me…

i’m lonely today. had a fight with my girlfriend yesterday. it was my fault. i kept saying the wrong things. i realized "i’m not an accurately sensitive person". i tend to think like a paranoid, devoid of hope and optimism. this gives me a bad outlook every time. this is the world that i know. this is the world as i "know" it. i may not have the correct ideas about the world, and i may be thinking the wrong things. but it’s difficult finding out if you are wrong or right. and sadly, you will realize that you are wrong when everything has been said and things cannot be undone…how sad indeed. i’m thinking of getting away for a while…i want to go to manila. i want to get a job first and make myself busy…so i can forget about katrina for a while. we are not breaking up, it’s just that when you are together all the time things tend to become too cramped and you grow tired of somebody…even if that somebody is the person you love. it would be less than 9 months before the june board exam comes. i don’t know how i’m gonna get through this. so hard and difficult for a guy like me to be thinking about these kinds of things.

how can i, an aspiring nurse, get a job in the competitive nursing job market? there are so many nurses already. and there are still others studying to become nurses. the future of my family lies in my hands…in what my hands are capable of. i have my hands full. the burden of responsibility is heavy, and i must meet those. i am in a perfect situation: my character as a man and my capabilities as an educated person will be put to the test.it would be my test. but this isn’t the only test that i have gone through. there have been harder tests. and there would be harder tests to come. each one of us must be prepared to face these kinds of tests. but how can one be prepared in the face of uncertainty? in my relationship with Katrina, i have come closer to God. i have come to a personal conclusion that i am not descended from the ape…we humans are an entirely different species. no matter what our roots are, it does not degrade the accomplishments that we have made as a species. the brick may have come from the soil, but the brick is a part of the building that is a marvel of engineering. the part does not necessarily make the whole. i am veering away from the topic again. okay, back to my topic. God is a great weapon against uncertainty. God is all-knowing, and thus he knows what is unknown to us. he knows why things happen. he understand that which we cannot understand. the future is something that causes me great fear. what is going to happen to me? i am like a paper boat being carried by the currents of a mighty river. where will this river take me? will i come to a tranquil stream, or will i be crushed by a giant waterfall?… all of this is uncertain, but these are things that i must come to face. there must not be any regrets…only faith. whatever happens, i must say: this is what God has in plan for me. this is what i have chosen. i shall not regret my destiny.

it is election time again. when you click to philippineupdate.com, it says there that: bad politicians are elected by good people who dont vote. but, i have a question…how the hell am i going to know who is good and who is bad. and, will our vote really count? there will be another Garci who will change the figures and put into office a politician that doesnt really care about the welfare of our own country. i would like to know more about the Kabataan Party List, which my friend Al Illanza is actively involved in. is this party list really going to stand up and fight for the rights of teenage people like us? or, will they be just like the other politicians currently running in the elections: selfish and corrupt. six people were killed in Abra province, and a candidate for a town council in daraga council was killed…mainly due to election-related violence.

Politics is big business, as evidenced by the swarm of political ads on GMA and ABS-CBN. these ads will totally shut down on May 15, because election time is over. these Politicians are mere public servants. they have to serve the interests of the general public, not their own interests. they spend millions trying to put themselves into office, and when they win, they will most probably use the power and privileges of their own offices in order to regain the money they lost during the campaign period…and possibly earn more in the long run. how can they serve their constituents when all they think about is money and power?

here in iriga, there are recent phenomenon that i sense are closely linked to the elections in our country. one is the recent asphalt surfacing of the national roads in the city center. why fix a road that is in good condition? why ignore the roads that are heavily damaged? it seems that somebody has something to gain from doing this project. another "phenomenon" is the string of brownouts here in Camarines Sur. what is the bigger reason for this? third, yesterday i got a tip that someone in our barangay was handing out envelopes with 400 pesos in it to registered voters. isnt that vote buying?

well, im not a registered voter. i choose not to vote. i will not let my sacred vote be manipulated by puny officials who care for nothing but themselves.

i love my brother. but i hate him so much. he’s virtually wasting his life. he spends most of his time playing computer games. he used to be in the star section when he was in first year high school. but when he started becoming addicted to computer games, his life began to shut down. how the hell am i going to control him? i cant let him live his life the way that he’s living it right now. what have i done to make him like this? have i been lacking brotherly advice and guidance? have i been too strict and overprotective? i feel guilty for his actions. his computer habit has had its effect on our household. mom is working abroad, and dad is left alone to care for us…doing the laundry, cooking, ironing clothes, keeping things tidy…i help him do these things (and i fail to help him sometimes). we are four sons in the family. as the eldest, i take charge when dad is not around. i am so goddamn adequate as a brother. why? my brothers dont know any housework!!! they cant do dishes well, they cant cook, they cant do laundry, and they cant iron. me? i was already cooking rice when i was 8 years old. when i was 10 i was already helping my mother wash clothes. i was forced to take on these adult responsibilities because at that time, i was the only kid around physically able enough to bear the burden of housework. but what did it imprint on me? i became a goddamn neurotic. i have all sorts of erratic thoughts and behavior. i cant study well. i cant sleep well.all these fucking problems bunched up in my head. if suicide was the way out for kurt cobain, and if narcotic intoxication was the end of jimi hendrix and layne staley’s life, my life will end when all options have failed. i admit the frailty of my being, and it is only when my Creator decides that the end is due when i submit myself to the influence of his power…

sometimes it is much easier to admit defeat and to surrender…to raise the white flag. to live for another day and come back even stronger.iriga isnt exactly the place where people succeed and build their careers. if given a choice, i would get the hell out of here and settle elsewhere. but of course, if the choice is between iriga and iraq, i would still choose iriga. i prefer to be in metro manila. the place stinks but more oppurtunities are available there. first of all, there are more gigs (but i wouldnt want to cite building a career in bands and rock music as the main reason for a move to manila). im currently dissatisfied with my band (mike, di ka kasama dito. okay kang gumitara pare). i need an excellent bassist and drummer. i need people who would contribute to the creative process. ive found out that im not much of a poet and lyricist although i have written lyrics (and also composed songs). i also lack some grounding in some rock music genres (and music in general) and so i am limited in the kind of music that i can create. and also, im no novelist. i still dont have the global mindset, or the writing skills that would enable me to write a novel. although i am ambitious enough to ever dream of getting a novel published.

what would i like the world to know? people like you, what should be known at his time about me? i hate being frankly open. people see so many weak spots in me when i do that. they say honesty is the best policy. well that isn’t always so, a childish motto inapplicable in the adult world of lies and fabrication. my teachers always complain about me coming late to their classes. but it’s hard to break the habit.it’s hard to keep everything going in a nice flow. it’s hard to do one thing, and to prepare for another. it’s hard to be a nursing student, and at the same time be an aspiring musician. the philippines is starting to be clogged with nurses and musicians. i feel like i should become another kind of person, so as not to fall victim to a labor crisis involving stereotypes. i dont want to be merely just a nurse, or just merely a nurse-rocker. i want to be a lawyer, and a doctor too.music is something i love.composing music is something i like doing, despite all the frustration and the huge shortcomings.but i have to get leverage for the future and be a doctor or a lawyer.

a person can live his whole life under the strength of a lie. he can always lie to himself…the person you can most easily fool is yourself. i’ve always lied to myself…ive told myself things that weren’t true. sometimes i have never been true to myself, choosing to lie than to face the truth. the truth is an orange fruit with numerous spikes. you have to bury your gums in the spike before you can eat the juicy insides. what truth do i have to face? first of all, i keep telling myself that i believe in God but my lifestyle tells it otherwise. its been months since ive been to church. it’s been years since i really said a prayer. i am far away from God now, and i am so lost in myself. what the fuck is wrong with me? why the hell cant i study like other people do? it’s like a curse. every time i open a nursing book i immediately feel the impulse to put it down. instead of reading short outlines, i choose to read 30-page chapters…always the brave guy that’s up to the challenge. but foolish!! it’s getting me nowhere. my grades are way down, all splashed in red. i know more about rock, literature, movies, and sports than i know my nursing subjects. i keep complaining about how boring it is.

but i do need to get a job. putang ina 21 years old na ko. kelangan ko ng kumita ng pera. puro na lang ako konsumisyon. kelangan ko nang magtake ng board at pumasa. kelangan ko ng magrabaho sa ospital..kelangan ko ng mag-abroad…kelangan ko gn tulungan ang pamilya ko.

i am living a lie. i thought i can do it all. i was wrong. i couldnt do it all. i could do it only if i did all i could to do it. there is no shortcut, there is no easy way. it’s always the hard, noble way…and it’s merely a matter of figuring out things with my common sense. but what the hell, i dont do it. i havent done it in years.

i keep telling myself, this is it…be a good boy this time…do what you have to do….you must study your lessons. pero ano? walang nangyayari. andami ko nang napakong pangako sa sarili ko.